Chronic Illness & Me
I wanted to make this post because as some of you may have noticed, my posting has been a little different over the last few weeks. I haven’t posted a book review in a while, because honestly, I haven’t had the energy.
I suffer from Fibromyalgia and Discoid (maybe systemitc, doctors have no clue what’s going on with me at the moment) Lupus.
Pain is something I’ve grown accustom to since I was 11 years-old. I don’t really remember life without it. I don’t enjoy the pain by any means, I would very much rather be pain free, but what I struggle with most, is the fatigue. Fatigue is VERY different from being ‘tired’. It’s not like how you feel when you haven’t had enough sleep, it’s complete exhaustion. The best way I try to explain what fatigue feels like to people is when you get the flu really bad. You lack energy, it’s very difficult to move or get out of bed. That’s what it’s like for many people who suffer from chronic illnesses.
Being completely upfront and honest, it sucks. Like it really sucks. For me, not only do I struggle with feeling fatigued, but that then send my mental health down a deep dark hole where I feel lazy, like I should be able to push past it. I’m 27, I should be able to get out of bed, get dressed and brush my teeth with minimal effort, right? But, for me, those three seemingly simple tasks require me to reach down deep inside me to gather as much energy as I can muster just to start the day. I often feel like a burden to my family and friends. I have to cancel plans sometimes at short notice because I’m flaring (this means my pain/ fatigue and/ or additional symptoms are acting up severely).
Sometimes I physically cannot make myself dinner so I have to ask my mum to help me.
Even if your family and friends are understanding and supportive, all of this ways down on you. You want to be able to cook dinner, go out and have fun, do more than one big task a day. I’m sure many people hoover their home and do laundry on the same day, but a lot of the time that is just not possible for me, because it will be too much and I’ll end up causing a flare up. If you have a chronic illness you have to learn to plan. Plan as much as you can. So Monday I will work and hoover. Tuesday I will work and do laundry, etc, etc.
But, sometimes even plans are thrown out the window because a bad flare will mean I can’t do those things. Or, I’ll feel my pain levels starting to get higher or another symptom will start to aggravate me and I know I need to rest as a flare could be coming on. So I’ll have to take hoovering off my to do list and rest instead.
It may not sound all that bad to some, but trust me, when you live every day like this where you have to analyse every little thing you do so you don’t make things you already live with every day any worse...it takes a lot out of you.
I think that’s what I enjoy reading so much. When I’m living in a book, I’m taken to another world where I can run without pain, where I can go out and explore not having to worry if it will take me out for the week ahead. I know a lot
of people love fantasy for example, because it takes them out of reality completely. But, for me, contemporary romance does that as welI, because I can experience things that I just can’t do in my reality. Things I want to do, but just can’t like stay out all night or go on a spontaneous road trip.
Anyway, I think I wanted to make this post just let anyone else know whose going through something similar that I get it. I know how hard it is to keep going sometimes, but we are all stronger than we think because we’re still here, going through it. Living with it. Every day. And a lot of us aren’t just living with it, but thriving.
So keep going, keep being kind to yourself and find things you love to do.
You got this. And how do I know that? Because I’ve got this too :)